either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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