i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
