You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My liver just had a heart attack.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
