this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
