summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
