if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
