Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
