your parents love me but you hate me
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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