Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
