nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
