Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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