I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
