I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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