walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
