Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
