Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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