i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
