when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
