Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
