You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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