My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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