my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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