btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
