I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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