and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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