Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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