We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
