he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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