all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
