I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
