Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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