Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
