i just sent this text using only my big toe
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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