I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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