My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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