i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
