You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
id be glad to
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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