my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
