my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
