Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
