how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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