OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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