I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
