If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
