This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
