Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
