I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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