the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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