i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
