I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
